| | I know I don't blog here a lot anymore, but I had a random thought that I figured I would get down before it's too late...
I've been very surprised lately at how content I am driving some of the roads down here in Iowa. When I moved here after we were married, I never thought that I would get accustomed to things here, let alone have a somewhat complete feeling about being here. Nevertheless, as I drive the back roads between job #1 and job #2, I have been very...still. "Still" in that I know if we stay here for another year, I would be fine. And I would probably even feel some pangs of sadness in leaving once we do. Now, I doubt that I'd ever say I want to stay here and raise a family, but things are starting to be less mysterious, a bit more known and, little by little, before I knew it at all, almost like home.
Is it home? No. Daniel and I both consider home to be a state north of here; perhaps a state west of that. But it feels so good to be able to have had time to become Daniel and Crysten. That is, not Daniel and Crysten within the context of Crysten's family, or Daniel and Crysten with the context of Daniel's family, but just us. We're far enough away from both families that we aren't pulled either way. And while it's been hard at times leaving that comfort, it's something that I would never take back. It's not taken for granted that we'll do Christmas or Thanksgiving at one side or the other. When we run into troubles, neither one of us has the opportunity to run home to mom and dad, so we're forced to work it out together, as our family. It was harder at the beginning, but it's easier now.
Which is something else...while it was harder at the beginning, sometime, within the last nine months, we've transitioned from consistently being at odds (the typical newly married, joining households, joining lives sort of things) with a few moments of clarity, to consistently being able to tackle things reasonable with just a few moments of being at odds. It feels really good. We're so blissfully typical, and I don't think I could ever really see that far into the marriage when we first started. It's not as much new territory, and I can finally rest in knowing that this is it. Before our wedding, I had a really hard time letting go of the "old" (relying on parents, college-life, being my own person, etc) and grasping onto the "new" (my wonderful husband, life in Iowa, new jobs, new home, etc etc etc). Now, it's typical. Just going out to lunch on our lunch break seems like something that would be so...grown up, and now we do this. I just love it. And I know that if we are at odds for a little bit of time, it's not the end of the world. We took vows, and I sure plan on standing next to them...and I can whole-heartedly say that he does, too.
To not have to question my husband's love for me is an amazing feeling. I had taken that for granted so much, and recently I've started realizing just how much I have in him. He calls me beautiful so many times a day. He would never dream of hitting me, intentionally hurting me or finding love somewhere else. I am so blessed because I know that there are so many women who do not have that assurance. I certainly do not deserve the love that he is and gives to me. However, I realized long ago that God doesn't give us what we deserve...and thank heavens for that. I don't deserve anything but bad. And yet, I have him. I don't think I will ever fully realize what I have, but I am so glad that I have the rest of my life to at least try to figure it out.
It's funny...I started this blog entry as a thought on our house. Our house that is breaking down, non-insulated, mouse infested and very frustrating. Our house that I have decided is really just a practice home. I get to change my curtains daily because I think something else will go better in this room; I get to move things around like crazy finding just the perfect place for this picture frame. And I do it all in this house so that one day, when we finally get out of this mobile home (if only camp stood behind their promises...) and into a real home, I'll know what to do with my furnishings.
It's amazing how the word "home" can muster up so many different feelings and thoughts.
In a lot of ways, I'm home. In Daniel, in growing in our relationship and contentedness, I'm home. And that...well, that feels good. 
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| | Posted 10/13/2008 3:30 PM - 31 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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